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The Church of the Redeemer

October 8, 2006

Lucinda Doran Stern

Genesis 2:18-24

Mark 10: 2-9

Psalm 128

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of all of our hearts be always acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, our Rock and our Redeemer.  Amen.

When I was asked to preach today and told what the readings were, I wondered “why me?”  In fact, some told me they certainly wouldn’t recommend that I tackle these texts.  These are tough passages and I certainly have far less experience at marriage than many or most of you. That which I have is fairly non-traditional.   And, I’m not exactly the model wife: independent, goal oriented, and perfectionist – and the down side of those characteristics on bad days.  But, here goes.

I was thinking of titling this sermon “Everything I learned about marriage I learned on the tennis court.”   Those of you who know me, know that I love tennis.  It’s not that I’m such a great player but I love it as a game and as a paradigm for life.  It is social, competitive, a problem to solve, all-involving and it involves the body, mind and spirit.  For the most part, I know vaguely what I “should” be doing.  As in marriage, the execution of it is a different matter. When it’s working well, well it’s just “yes!”  Life is good.  When it’s working poorly…well, it’s just not a very pretty sight.

To begin with, the Bible tells us in Genesis that people are not meant to be alone.  We are social creatures and made to be in community, not only with other humans but with life in general and with God.  We are meant to enjoy life.  So, God created animals, friends and specifically a partner, a playmate and helper for Adam. 

This reading seems pretty obvious.  The Bible recognizes that being alone and loneliness are tough.  It seems to tell us that two hearts, two minds and two tennis rackets are better than one.

Mark’s Gospel is tougher. A literal interpretation of this passage along with the verses that follow indicates that divorce simply is unacceptable.  In fact, the verses that follow state that if one divorces and remarries, it is adultery.  As I am both divorced and remarried, the grief and, yes, guilt, that my failed marriage left on my heart took years to overcome.

Without lessening the significance of this interpretation, I have begun to think that the Gospel is pointing to something different (or in addition to) the literal translation. In the notes to the Spiritual Formation Bible, Foster notes that Jesus’ response to the question of divorce really has more to do with God’s intention for marriage as something more “unearthly.”  That is, marriage is a gift of grace in which lives are mutually entwined rather than a legal contract that can be both created and undone by humans.  When taken this way, we understand how through God’s Grace 2 imperfect lives can become perfect. 

The more difficult question, at least for me, and that the passages do not speak to, is the day to day reality of what it takes to live truly in partnership. How do you both “play the game” and “stay in the game” to honor and, quite honestly, make the most of these gifts - especially in the rush of our lives when “life happens” and adversity strikes?   

When I ask couples who have been married for many years to what do they attribute their success, I often hear words like patience, forgiveness and humor.  I recently came across an article on being the perfect tennis doubles partner.  In many ways, the points made in the article mirror these attributes.    
 

1.    You are only as good as you are on the day you play.  Sometimes that can vary by hour or set or minute.  You lose/ gain focus, get pumped up, get down.  It is more than a physical sport…it is body, mind and spirit all working together at the same time.  In doubles, as in marriage, it is times 2. 

2.    When there are two of you playing there are three conditions:

a.     Both of you are up

b.     One of you is up and the other down

c.     Both of you are down

3.    As a pair, you’re likely to have more times when at least one of you is down than when neither is.  Fortunately, in tennis, it is likely that the other team is the same way whereas in marriage, it’s dependent on the two of you.  There is no other team who hopefully will be having a bad day that you can benefit from.

4.    Your job is to play as well as you can on that day but, more importantly, to keep the other person relaxed upbeat and energized, no matter how well or poorly they’re playing.  Playing and winning is both about having and being a part of the support system.  This can make you feel pretty vulnerable, especially if you are a person who likes control.  It means letting go – putting your game in the hands of the other person while still giving all. 

5.     Your job is to pick up your partner’s spirit before picking up the ball.  That’s a pretty serious request when you’re in the heat of battle but the writer argues that reconnecting with the other person in the 3-6 seconds between every point is the most important time in a doubles match – more than great serves or strokes - and what every great doubles team holds sacred and practices a great deal at.  It doesn’t have to be big: a smile, a high sign, etc.

6.    This all becomes particularly difficult for the vast majority of us when both people are down.  There is a reason that the term “love” exists in doubles tennis because you need a lot of it when you are at love (zero) and the other team (translated the rest of the world)  is at greater than zero.

 

When I was writing this, I was thinking of doing it as a letter to my husband, Bob.  What would I say to him?   Bob, your coming into my life was a great and unexpected gift at the time it happened.  I know we are not perfect, and we need a lot of practice, but I am so grateful for you and our marriage. One of the earliest lessons learned from my parents was that with treasure comes responsibility.  The greater the treasure, the greater the responsibility.  In some ways, I came to marriage late.  Although I thought I appreciated the meaning of marriage before, it was in coming to my marriage to Bob that I realized the full magnitude of both the treasure and the responsibility.

When we are not at our best as a couple, we jokingly assure each other that the alternative to marriage is dating again.  It’s a trick that stops whatever is happening in its tracks because, in reality, that thought is frightening and unimaginable.  The possibility of life without you hit home very strongly a couple of years ago, when I nearly lost you due to the undiagnosed bacterial spinal infection that nearly took your life.  Although our life together seems like a roller coaster at times and all too often, the antidote, at least for me is us as a couple.  Yes, love’s been more wonderful the second time around, but maybe I have been more ready for it.  Being and playing with you is the gift that makes life complete.  It brings home the words of the hymn we just sang:

“Love divine, all loves excelling

  Joy of heaven, to earth come down.
  Fix in us thy humble dwelling

  All they faithful mercies crown.”   

Let us pray.

Lord, Thank you for the gifts of our spouses, our friends, our families and our community.  May we pray together and play together. Imbue us with patience, forgiveness and laughter, always as one and as more than one. May we seek to know and hear each other and to know and do your will.  In Christ’s name we pray. Amen.